This material is the property of Mo Pie Productions, Inc. (A wholly owned Rob has laid out the Bible but guards it with his body against any. Presentation Mode Open Print Download Current View. Zoom Out. Zoom In. Automatic Zoom, Actual Size, Page Fit, Page Width, 50%, 75%, %, %, %. American Pie. (Comedy) .. Now you qualify you've just inherited the bible. “To inherit” Sinatra was a famous Italian-American singer, and this is a colloquial.
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try out taufeedenzanid.tkocom has some interesting poses and stuff:). At over eight and a half minutes long, "American Pie” is an unlikely single The version of this song on American Pie starts with solo If the Bible tells you so?. American Pie is rumored to be based on the name of the plane (A Beechcraft Bonanza, **In , Don Cornell did a song entitled "The Bible Tells Me So.
They turn the corner into the kitchen. This blowjob thing is bullshit!
He stops. Vicky is there with Jessica. Staring at him. Vicky quietly grabs her purse. Kevin doesn't know what to say. The guys watch as the girls head for the door. The girls exit. Nobody says anything. Kevin is in shock.
I am the Yeti! The party is long over. Plastic beer cups and various bottles litter the house, but it's not trashed. Jim is wandering around in a daze, holding his head. He stumbles over a body. It's Kevin. JIM Sorry, I thought you were dead. They walk over to the other side of the room. Finch is sitting on the couch. JIM Finch! Where were you last night? What happened to the foolproof plan? Oz wanders in, still sullen.
Takes a seat, sulking. OZ I'm such a loser. She wears a "Central" sweatshirt. Sherman follows behind her. The guys watch in disbelief as Sherman and the girl speak hushed, intimately. I'll never forget The Central Girl smiles.
Notices the other guys watching. Just gives Sherman a kiss on the cheek. She exits. The guys are dumbfounded. Jaws hang. Sherman looks triumphant. Strides over to the guys. JIM You did it. I am now a man. The guys are shocked and amazed.
Best of luck to you, boys. Sherman exits. The guys look like they just lost the World Series on errors. They slowly take seats, ruined. Sherman meets a chick for one night and scores? This is just wrong. OZ No shit, I'm never gonna get laid. How the hell am I gonna become this Mr. Sensitive Man? JIM Jesus, we're all gonna go to college as virgins.
They've probably got special dorms for people like us. A long beat as they give this serious consideration. Then, Kevin strides purposefully to the front of the group.
But it stays between us. They do. It's really simple. We make an agreement -- no wait, more than an agreement. JIM Like a bet? No money involved. This is more important than any bet. Now here's the deal: We all get laid before we graduate. A beat OZ Dude, it's not like I haven't been trying to get laid. This is better. Think of when you're working out, Oz. You need a partner, someone to spot you. Someone to keep you motivated.
Oz nods, getting into it. Kevin smiles and continues, arms outspread. Prior to this day, we've postured. We've procrastinated. We've pretended. We've -- well I can't think of other p-words, but we've probably done them too. JIM Pontificated. But together, we are the masters of our sexual destiny! JIM kung fu voice Their tiger-style kung-fu is strong; but our dragon style will defeat it!
OZ going on The Sha-lin masters from east and west must unite! Now think about it -- Kevin jumps up on a chair.
From now on, we fight for every man out there who isn't getting laid when he should be! This is our day!
This is our time! And, by God, we're not gonna let history condemn us to celibacy! We will make a stand! We will succeed! We will get laid! Kevin jumps down off the chair, and puts his hand out in front of him. One by one, the guys pile their hands on top, in between them -- it's a pact! They all stop. Stifler has a toothbrush hanging from his mouth. A goatee of dried toothpaste. Stifler tries to give a retort to Finch, but turns green and heads back upstairs.
No funny stuff. And no prostitutes, if you were thinking about that, Finch. Finch gives a wistful "Who, me? OZ Dude, prom sucks. Chicks are gonna want to do it. JIM Yeah, it's like tradition or something. That gives us JIM Exactly three weeks to the day. They take this in with some trepidation. It's official. Any questions? There are none.
Kevin raises his Pepsi. The guys raise their drinks. ALL To the next step. They toast.
Finds a "Floral Delivery" listing. Kevin dials. They part ways. A Martha Stewart-type thing where they pain pottery with little sponges.
Oz looks dubious. He carefully unfolds a napkin to reveal a sandwich, crust removed. Other than that, he's doing absolutely nothing. We see he's in the "Religion" section. Surrounded by piles of different bibles. No luck.
He neatly snips the end with scissors. Then rolls the packet, like a tube of toothpaste, economically dispensing every last bit of mustard. Kevin holds a big shopping bag, which he turns over, and a box of condoms falls out. He hands it over to Jim JIM shoving the rubbers into his night table Just a minute! He opens the bedroom door. Jim's Dad is standing there. JIM Yeah, sure. JIM Dad, come in.
Jim's Dad reluctantly enters, carrying a brown paper bag. He takes a seat on Jim's bed. Let's talk. Jim takes a seat next to his dad.
JIM Okay. From father to son. Jim looks at the bag. Hesitantly, he takes it. Jim's Dad is doing his best to be the good father. Beyond embarrassed, Jim reaches into the bag. JIM I know, Dad. Here's let me show you. Jim's Dad takes the bag back. JIM Dad! I know! JIM through clenched teeth Yes dad. JIM interrupting, hand up Thank you, dad, I got it. Jim's Dad takes the stack of magazines. He goes to open Jim's night table. Jim freaks. JIM Wait!
But it's too late. Jim's Dad is face-to-face with the unraveled prophylactics. He sours. I'm too worn out. Jim's Dad exits, a condom stuck to the back of his pants. She doesn't care. Vicky stares him right in the eye.
She slams her locker and walks off. Jessica is nearby. She's overheard. That's easy, she likes you. What you need to do is learn to press a girl's buttons. You gotta give her what she's never had. I mean, what do you think, I don't care about her?
Kevin squirms. That's how I was duped. If I say it, I have to be sure I mean it. The Big L, or the Big O. Suddenly Stifler comes running up, breathless. You gotta see this.
Singing with the group is none other than Oz. He's not doing too badly, but mainly he's checking out the various vocal jazz girls. Smiling at them, giving suave little waves. Kevin, Stifler, and Jim take seats in the back of the auditorium, listening. JIM This is unexpected. Shit, if Coach Marshall sees this, he'll kick Oz off the team on principle alone. The song finishes. Oz bounds up to the other guys. OZ Hey guys, you came to watch me in action? JIM Yeah, I think you sounded pretty good.
OZ Keep it down, dude. OZ This place is an untapped resource. Check it out, dude, these vocal jazz girls are hot. Heather shakes her head. OZ Dude, watch me work. They go for sensitive studs like me.
Oz waves goodbye to a final choir girl. Kevin and Jim approach. He turns a page. Skims the articles. Right now. JIM You're just gonna sit there and drink your coffee? Gotta go. Sixteen minute round trip. JIM Finch, don't you think it's about time you learned to take a dump at school? Finch shudders and walks away. Kevin and Jim stand there, dumbfounded.
Was that Paul Finch? JIM I have no idea. Finch showers in a bathing suit. He is JIM loving it Yeah, enormous. Does he have a date for prom yet. JIM Definitely not. They all seem very interested. Say that again, Kevin? I thought you might know a trick or something. To make her, you know The Sushi Chef looks up. Kevin's Brother turns away. How do I do that? Look, is that all you're interested in?
Ways to get your girlfriend into bed? I think I guess it would be good to be able to return the favor. I mean, it would be nice to know she enjoys things as much as I do. Now you qualify. He carefully looks about, making sure nobody's watching. It originally started as a sex manual, this book that some guys brought back from Amsterdam in the early eighties.
What to do with your tongue, things like that. And each year, it got passed on to one East student who was worthy of it. Kevin kneels down on the floor, near a section of various bibles on the bottom shelf. Things they figured out themselves.
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Kevin slides out the section of bibles from the bottom shelf. Pulls out a pocket knife. Flips up the bottom of the shelf. Slides it out. So, now you know. Good luck. There, a bit dusty, is an old book. Many extra pages of notebook paper have been tucked into it, nearly breaking the binding.
The original title is now obscured -- over it, someone has written "The Bible. It's like that right now. Kevin carefully pulls it out. Reverently flips through it. Full of details. Explicit diagrams. And atop each handwritten page is a year, indicating the date it was added. Kevin reaches the last page. It's blank.
He lightly runs his hand down the empty page. JIM yells Mom?! I'm home! No response. Jim walks into the kitchen, noticing a fresh-baked pie on the counter.
Next to it is a note: "Jimmy - Apple, your favorite. I'll be home late. Love Mom. Then stops After a moment of thought, he slides a finger into the pie. Moves it around a bit, studying the consistency.
Then Jim becomes more curious. We can see the gears in his head start to turn. He looks down at the pie like it's His face drops, appalled. JIM It's not what it looks like! Jim stares into his lap, humiliated. Jim's dad is crushed. You've never seen such disappointment In the middle of the table is the pie.
American pie the bible pdf
It's decimated. Mushed up, ruined Kevin sits on his bed, reading a book -- the Bible. If all students studied the way Kevin's studying this book, we'd have a nation of geniuses. He's scrutinizing it. Turning it sideways and upside down as if trying to decipher cave paintings.
Oz is singing along, really making it look like he's into it. He closes his eyes, singing with even more enthusiasm.
As the song ends, Oz continues just a moment more with his shtick -- a little, heartfelt vocal "scat" to tag the number. The thing is, it actually sounds really good. Oz opens his eyes The entry was written in , which Lube misreads as , and the friends are disgusted to meet the now-elderly Monique, but decide to partake of her services.
Monique dies while performing oral sex on Rob, and the panicked boys drive home. Rob finally tells Heidi he is attracted to her, and she reciprocates, agreeing to meet later at Stifler's party. There, Heidi is hurt to hear Rob shout "Tonight, I'm getting laid!
Lube propositions Ashley but she turns him down. Her friend takes him up on his guarantee of sexual satisfaction, but storms out after finding an offensive text on his phone. Nathan tries to reconcile with Dana but offends her again. Rob finds Heidi in bed with Stifler, and begins drinking heavily. He declares that "only assholes get laid! You stick it up your tailpipe and the minty-ness makes your asshole twitch. Everyone knows that. Dude, I don't know. This sounds pretty weak.
Plus, I mean, we can find most of this stuff on the internet anyway. No, this is different. This has personal experiences. Plus, it's custom-tailored to Great Falls girls. Since when does punani have a zip code? What have we got to lose?
Nathan, you've been working on Dana for, what? Like six months? Only to find out that she loves the Lord more than sex? And, Lube, how have all your schemes to get laid been working out so far? Exactly, and me, well, I've been wasting all my time on some fantasy that someday Heidi's gonna fall madly in love with me.
Face it, guys, we need help. And this is it, staring us right in the face. I'm in. Hey, easy. Guys, it's old. Just flatter her? How many times do you actually do it? Walk up to a girl and say, "Wow, you have beautiful eyes. It's telling us the only proven way to get women is to be an asshole, 'cause the guys that actually spew that kind of crap get laid. Check it out.
Twelve o'clock. Let's put this bible to a test. Why don't you go talk to her, 'cause you're the one who likes her? I'll do it. Hey, Ashley. Hey, Rob. Shopping for your girlfriend? This is It's for my mom.
She's dating again. Actually, I wanted to say, you know, you have the most gorgeous teeth. Come with me. He's making a move on your lady friend. Unlike you, I don't mind sharing my women. Word to your mumsie. Just waiting for some ladies to join us, in fact. You nancy boys couldn't get laid at a Jonas Brothers concert with a fistful of backstage passes.
How does this look? Great, I'll take it. Stand up. Wait, what Wait, hold Hold on. Just walk out of the store and meet me at the food court. Act natural. I'm just browsing.
Okay, then. I wasn't stealing. It was a It was a prank. I am so sorry. I think we left the tags on your garments. Please come back to the register. We'll figure this out. I'm so embarrassed. Sorry, I I got excited. But they're so small. I have a note. Come again.
What took you so long? Did you get it? Sure did. I even stole you a bag so you don't have to touch it till you get home. What's up, Ashley? What are you pillow biters doing here?
Don't eat that. You're gonna get fat. I'm super horny. Wanna suck me off in the Sharper lmage? I'm so sorry. Didn't mean to disrupt the This morning's mass. I wanted to say I'm sorry. Did you really think that this is the best time to discuss this? Well, you weren't answering any of my texts. When you flip the light switch in your kitchen, you know that the light will turn on. Some might call that faith, but I tell you, that is not the real faith. Okay, so what is so important that you needed to come and interrupt church?
I don't really get why you're so mad at me right now. Because you don't respect me. This is all just a big joke to you. You know what? You're right, because this is just another phase for you. Just like your little stint on yearbook.
You stuck with that for, what, two weeks before you got bored with it? DANA: That doesn't count. I was drunk. As soon as you get bored with this whole pledge thing, you're just gonna jump right back in the saddle again. And when you get to college, don't even tell me that you won't be experimenting with the standard lesbian hookups, having three-ways, trying anal.
That's what I'm talking Just relax. My parents waited until marriage. He said she blew the whole football team and had to have her stomach pumped. Plus, your dad was a Beta. Those guys are notorious poon slayers. Fuck it! This is bullshit! Did we miss communion?
You'd think they'd really pump up the power there. Look at him! Watch that guy! Even though it's close to a tie, we were hoping for better defence from the Oh, my gosh, wait. So, what did your dad say? He said if he ever sees Nathan within feet of me, he's gonna castrate him with a rusty Garden Weasel. Is it over between you guys or what? Well, if you ever want to try a mnage, you're welcome to join Richard and me. How's your sex life? You guys, I'm gonna go through with it. You're so boring.
I would've thought you'd be fielding offers after your striptease in the library. Yeah, I'm I'm still just waiting for the right time. Let's go, fight, win. Blue and white, let's go, fight, win. Fight, win. How about we get some of the game? He passes it off to Scott Stifler. Time out, Blazers. What are we gonna do now, Bill?
I think these guys really need to get their act Get your head in the game, doggy style.
You can finish your wet dream later. Hey, Scott? Can I talk to you for a sec? I'm in the middle of a game. Let's see what's gonna happen here. They have the advantage. Looks like Double screen! Shearson gets the ball. He passes it to Scott Stifler. It's good! It's in! This is incredible, folks! This means we're going on to the playoffs! It's exciting. What a chain of events that has occurred here today! Yeah, sure. Is that a Bible? No, it's Well, honey, it's okay to read the Bible.
I mean, gosh, you act like I caught you reading pornography.
Well, I just got my credit card statement and And here on your card there's a charge here for a lingerie store. I'm gonna pay you back for that, Mom. Is there a girl you're seeing? Mom, it's complicated.
Because it's a very normal area of exploration. My book says that most fetishes are not homosexual in nature, and, well, you know, boys, they tend to Yes, Mom, that's it. You figured it out. I love wearing women's underwear. Thongs, G-strings, a little teddy now and then.
It's so soft and silky smooth. The frillier the better. Yeah, Mom. So, you know that thing you told me before the dance? Right, well, I was thinking about that conversation. So, what about it? I was just thinking, you know, maybe you should wait. You know, I've thought about it, too, but I still feel like I'm making this whole thing into, like, this huge deal.
I mean, it's consuming my every thought. I still feel like it's best if I just get it over with. I can see that. What is up with this crap, butt nugget? That was taken completely out of context. All right? I was being facetious. That means he wasn't being serious. I know what facetious means, dick face. Are you trying to repel all the pussy in school? You cock is on the clock. Take notes.
The word for the day is "legs. So, why don't we go back to my place and spread the word? Well, how about you save your breath? You're gonna need it to inflate your date later. Gentlemen, it is time we got laid. And what is it we've been trying to do all this time? No, no. We need to get laid. Right here. September 9th, Can you give us the executive summary? No, not that.
LUBE: We are going on a road trip. How long do you intend on staying in Canada? Just a couple of hours. What's the nature of your visit? We've driven many miles in search of vertical smiles. Then we've driven many clicks to wet our dicks? LUBE: Yes! ROB: Yeah! Okay, up ahead, turn right. Turn right. Okay, boys. Let's do this. Are you sure this is a good idea? Come on, you pussy. Let's get laid. The bible says to ask for Monique. Are you Monique? Mais, Monique, she is inside.
Come, boys. C'est magnifique, no? I will get Monique. She will be so happy to see you. In the meantime, make yourselves at home. We came to the right place. Is that a moose?
Why, thank you. Thank you. Very much. Well, that's That's okay. Come, come. I make you a nice drink. Let's go. Listen, I put a lot of mileage on my mom's minivan coming all the way up here. The bible says she's got a lot of experience. Why am I first? Don't insult Monique. She has an entire chapter in the bible.
Come on, you're going to have a nice time. So, how does this work? Am I supposed to pay you? No, no, no. Not yet. Only about eight seconds that time. That's really nice. I usually last a lot longer. Hey, was I supposed to tap you on the shoulder or something? Help, help, help! LUBE: I'm coming! What, do you need an audience? Wait, guys. I think she's dead! Excuse me? This is not good. I can't get her off. I think she had a heart attack.
She's got lockjaw. Get her off of me! Lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw, lockjaw! What am I doing? Clear, clear! Come down here. Grab her legs. One, two, three. Forget it. It's totally screwed up. You killed maman! Come back here. I'll kill you! I'll kill you, you cowards! ROB: I killed her. I killed her with my sperm! Hey, man, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. She led a full life. How do you know that?
Man, what do you want me to say? You're the one that murdered her! I can't believe that was the woman the bible said we should have sex with. No, that's a seven! That's It's from the '70s. Shut up! Just shut up! I wanna go home. I don't wanna be here. I just hit a squirrel. LUBE: Well, that went well. ROB: Guys, I think it's time we try my interpretation. Look, Nathan, you've been trying to convince Dana to sleep with you, instead of just listening to her.
Right, you know? Trying to see things from her point of view? Showing just Just a little respect. And you, you're still trying to trick women into sleeping with you, instead of just being honest. And you're still too much of a pussy to tell Heidi you're into her. You going to Stifler's house tonight?
I'll probably go with Dana. So any luck losing that thing you were trying to get rid of? Maybe you should mind your own business. What's with you today? I wanna tell you something that I've been wanting to say for a long time.
I really like you. I really like you, too. No, not like that. You have a great personality. I laugh at all your jokes. You're pretty. Oh, God, you're pretty. You even smell great. I'm just I'm happy when I'm around you. Now, I don't know if you feel the same way, but if you do Let's not waste any more time. Let's just see where our feelings take us.
I feel the same way. This is great. Why didn't you say something? Why didn't you? But I'll see you tonight? There she is. Get down! Oh, my gosh. It's cool. Nathan, look, I've been thinking. Maybe I've been too hard on you. You have? You obviously love my daughter, and you two should be together. Honey, it is not right to give a man blue balls. If you want boys to like you, you gotta put out. Here, start with Nathan's friend.
This is so not cool. I mean, fantasising about your best friend's girlfriend? All right, listen to me. Stay focused. Be honest, show respect and just say whatever's on your mind. Stop, jerk.You want a beer? OZ Is there anything you don't jerk off to? The guys ponder this. He's adjusting the camera. OZ So does your tongue cramp up? Look, this may be a shock to you, but I have no idea what I'm doing with girls.